Of being a Mom

 

It is tricky being a working mom. Because its a balancing act. Juggle all together, the work, the baby, the chores, the me-time, etc. Sometimes it comes around, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes you feel good, sometimes you just feel like poop.

Guilt is my shadow. At being the mommy part. Well I AM a first time mommy, so you have to give me excuse for that. But the guilt war in my head just keep going on and on like a vicious cycle.

I'm not feeding him enough, not feeding him the right food, not enough quality time, should have bought him more toys/books, should have not let him watch too much tv/youtube videos, should not have left him at the babysitter to have me-time, etc etc!

And I am so glad to know most mommies out there do feel guilty. About just everything!!

And in the amidst of my overwhelming feelings, I came across this beautiful writing by Prof Madya Dr Sharifah Hayaati in her book 'Bidadari'.

Very simple theory that she pointed out: reliance on Allah. Tawakkal. We have to accept that we all have limited capabilities. Accept that things will not be perfect. And because of that, we need to put things in the hands of Allah. After giving our very best in every situation of course.

So in situation of guilt, put things in perspective and pray to Allah to give you the peace of mind.

She also pointed out the need to have a strong rapport with Allah swt. We want our children to be committed Muslims, with good characters. But how are we to achieve that, if we ourselves are not what we want them to be?

I am struggling with my spirituality. I am fighting an unseen battle with myself, my own nafs. I am not a perfect Muslim, but I used to be very committed. Doing dakwah and going against all odds for the sake of being a committed Muslim.

So now I am at square one, discovering myself again. I missed my old self, I really do. I missed having private moments with Allah and praying to Him and just talking to Him and feeling Him really close to me. I want to go back to my old self.

So going back to being a mom.. I hope I can be a good Muslim, so that I can be an example to my son. I want him to be a committed Muslim with good character. InsyaAllah.

So guilt please go away. Tawakkal please come in