Paediatrics

(this was written during my Paeds rotation as a HO)  

Paeds is one of the toughest posting for me. The workload is crazy and never ending. It's stressful because anything that you do wrong involves a tiny being. And there's the parents who can be very demanding and rude.

Khalid started walking during my first week of tagging, which I felt really bad because I wasn't there. And the subsequent weeks after that, even after tagging period I still go back at 9pm and above. A couple of time I drive home crying because it is just too much on me.

I really hope to finish this posting as soon as I can and not to come back even to float as an MO.

Too much working time, less family time is not me. My boy is my priority.

But Allah is fair to me. Whenever I prayed and asked for less workload, He always made it easy for me.. That I am very thankful..

I am already 1 month plus in paeds, passed my nrp theory. Soon is assessment for nrp practical. Sigh..

Stay strong bazliah.

Of being a Mom

 

It is tricky being a working mom. Because its a balancing act. Juggle all together, the work, the baby, the chores, the me-time, etc. Sometimes it comes around, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes you feel good, sometimes you just feel like poop.

Guilt is my shadow. At being the mommy part. Well I AM a first time mommy, so you have to give me excuse for that. But the guilt war in my head just keep going on and on like a vicious cycle.

I'm not feeding him enough, not feeding him the right food, not enough quality time, should have bought him more toys/books, should have not let him watch too much tv/youtube videos, should not have left him at the babysitter to have me-time, etc etc!

And I am so glad to know most mommies out there do feel guilty. About just everything!!

And in the amidst of my overwhelming feelings, I came across this beautiful writing by Prof Madya Dr Sharifah Hayaati in her book 'Bidadari'.

Very simple theory that she pointed out: reliance on Allah. Tawakkal. We have to accept that we all have limited capabilities. Accept that things will not be perfect. And because of that, we need to put things in the hands of Allah. After giving our very best in every situation of course.

So in situation of guilt, put things in perspective and pray to Allah to give you the peace of mind.

She also pointed out the need to have a strong rapport with Allah swt. We want our children to be committed Muslims, with good characters. But how are we to achieve that, if we ourselves are not what we want them to be?

I am struggling with my spirituality. I am fighting an unseen battle with myself, my own nafs. I am not a perfect Muslim, but I used to be very committed. Doing dakwah and going against all odds for the sake of being a committed Muslim.

So now I am at square one, discovering myself again. I missed my old self, I really do. I missed having private moments with Allah and praying to Him and just talking to Him and feeling Him really close to me. I want to go back to my old self.

So going back to being a mom.. I hope I can be a good Muslim, so that I can be an example to my son. I want him to be a committed Muslim with good character. InsyaAllah.

So guilt please go away. Tawakkal please come in

Resuscitation

 

I used to be so good at blogging. But then I stopped writing. No more penning reflections. And I regretted it. Now I am missing it.

Almost two years I started working as a doctor. And everyday I never failed feeling like a robot. Emptiness is always there. I no longer know what am I going after in this life.

I am bored of the temporary highs. Stress at work just made me into this person (or should I say robot) who turns up to work, coming back, watch movies/eat out at fancy diners and then repeat.

I need purpose. I need guidance. I need something meaningful to fill up this void. I need resuscitation!

Revisiting this blog brings so much of emotions. Mixed feelings. Not all of them gives me a good feeling. Anyhow, the experiences in the past had shaped who I am today and I feel greatful for that. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah, for guiding me all the way. 

It is time to look forward and hope for the best. 

Aku Akhwat Bukan Malaikat

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat

Perlukan kata2 penguat utk terus tsabat

Aku tak selalu kuat 

Kdg langkahku tersekat

Byk lagi tggjwb tak terbuat

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat

Pnya jiwa dan perasaan yg tersirat

Kdg tak tertahan air mataku menghujan lebat

Aku rasa berat 

I feel like telling some people 'please stop that'

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat

Aku mahu katakan kepada kamu yg 

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat

Jangan anggap aku perfect

Lamanya aku di jalan dakwah tak bermakna aku lebih sempurna

Kerana

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat

Aku punya kelemahan

Aku punya hati dan emosi

Jangan anggap aku seperti tiada perasaan

Like telling me 'you should have known that'

It hurts me really bad

Kerana

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat.

Wahai diri

Kerana kau akhwat bukan malaikat

Allah tahu kau kuat 

Iman dan taqwa kau itu azimat

Jaga ketat2

Ujian2 yg Dia berikan, you have to accept that

Yes kau akhwat bukan malaikat

Sbb tu Allah ckp 'Laa yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha' - bear in mind that. 

Helpless

Salam wbt. whoever and wherever you are, may Allah SWT protect you in the contentment of iman insyaAllah. Subhanallah, i have been abandoning writing for quite some time and what triggered me to write this post is a feeling of wanting to reflect my iman with regards to what is happening to Our Sacred Land, Palestine.

As i am tapping my fingers onto this keyboard, Palestinian casualties are continuously escalating and nothing is stopping Israel from bombarding Gaza with their merciless missiles. ironically it started happening on Muharram 1, the meaningful date when our Prophet made the historical exodus, which liberated Meccan Muslims from the oppression of the Meccan Kufr.  I followed the news on BBC everyday and my heart just can't take this...violent, inhumane, brutal situation in Gaza. Astaghfirullah..

what is going to happen after this and what is the fate of the Palestinian land, we can never predict and Subhanallah, what a helpless feeling this is. facebook news feed is continuously flooded with pictures and comments condemning Israel as well as the companies and organisations which support it. most of the comments were about boycotting McD, one of the major supporter of Israel and its ruthless acts.

i believe all this happens for a reason. Allah SWT allowed this to happen to the Muslims for a reason. we have billions of Muslims around the world and Islam is the fastest growing religion today. and yet, this does not change the fate of the Muslims in some parts of the world today. oppressed, killed, abandoned and banished. just look at the fate of Muslim Rohingyas, the Syrians, the Somalis, the Palestinians.

something is definitely not right here and there is a message behind these calamities. we know that Allah will send His Help for the Muslims in times of need, just like He did with the 313 Ahlul Badr. we know that in the past, the Muslims were always outnumbered in battles against the Kufr but we always won because number is not a factor, iman is. but in this 21st century we do not see any hope of reviving this ummah. there is too many holes to cover, too many mistakes done and too many things that are not quite settled. and it all comes down to the quality of a Muslim individual.

a Muslim individual is an important unit for this ummah in order to lobby for a greater change. the fate of our religion lies in EACH one of us. we are too far from being a true Muslim because we had abandoned the ways of Rasulullah SAW and his teachings. so this is our problem. we are too caught up with the Gangnam-style music, Justin Bieber, Hollywood movies and also spending money on McD. i cannot emphasize this enough, my dear Muslim friends.  where is our pride of being a Muslim?

so let's pull out our pride that has been so long buried. buried by the rubble of Jahiliyah. the pride of being a Muslim has always been its relationship with his Creator. when the bond is tighter the strength of a Muslim is greater. thus when we have Muslim individuals with substance, we will discover that Allah SWT will be our wali (protector) at all times and we can never be oppressed or violated if we have Allah as our sole Protector insyaAllah..

Let's make lots of dua and may Allah made us among the people of substance for this blessed Deen insyaAllah..Ameen Ya Rabb!!

Allah Sangat Menyayangimu, Percayalah

Raining outside,
At the brink of breaking down.
Reality does hurt.
So this is how it feels to be helpless.
Astaghfirullahalazim.
At one moment I let denial seep in.
Gloom follows and,
I swear it almost suffocates me.
How it shook me.
Ya Allah how it shook me off my faith..
of You.

Sadness makes us human.

Feeling helpless showed that we are in need.
To trust in Allah SWT in what He has determined
Is a gift.
To be able to reason His decisions
Is a blessing.

"Allah sgt sayangkan kamu,"
"Sifat org yg mengingati Allah kan, tenang..?"
"Allah menghantar ujian utk melengkapkan kita.."

"Sudahkan kita cukup mujahadah?"

"Sudahkan kita cukup bersabar?"

"Sudahkan kita cukup tawakkal pd Nya?"

"Sesungguhnya usaha kita tidak memberi kesan pun pada natijah.." 

With hardship there is ease.

Apa bandingannya kasih Allah SWT.

Tak ada. 

Apa ertinya hidup tanpa Dia.

Ujian tanda Allah melihat diri ini.

Yang sangat kecil dan bergelumang dosa

Walaupun payah, susah, perit.

Allah kan ada.

"Allah sgt sayangkan kamu,"


"Dan apabila hamba-hambaKu bertanya kepadamu mengenai Aku maka (beritahu kepada mereka): sesungguhnya Aku (Allah) sentiasa hampir (kepada mereka); Aku perkenankan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila ia berdoa kepadaKu. Maka hendaklah mereka menyahut seruanku (dengan mematuhi perintahKu), dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepadaKu supaya mereka menjadi baik serta betul," (al-Baqarah:186)

Untuk seorang ukhti yg dikasihi fillah, you know who you are. Ketahuilah janji Allah itu benar dan ketahuilah Allah mendengar setiap rintihanmu...kerana Allah sangat menyayangimu. Really He does, just...believe this..

Wallahu alam

You will be fine

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious Most Merciful...

Holy Prophet Muhammad, Peace and Blessings be upon him and his household..

Salam alayk. It has been a while :) I just lose the interest in writing. Words don't describe me best i figured. When I looked at the title of this blog and I tried recalling why did i chose this title. What is the 'Ultimate Panacea'?  'Panacea' is a Greek word. In direct translation, it means, the prominent cure. I like the title because it gives this blog an element of healing. Well at least to me it does. 


So what is the 'Ultimate Panacea'. When there are too many problems, too many unanswered questions, too many things to consider, too many things that you regret, like you're in this deep void..there has to be an ultimate panacea. Allah tak akan datangkan masalah2 di dunia ini tanpa memberi petunjuk bagaimana kita nak meleraikannya. 
So what is the Ultimate Panacea. 

"When I am ill, it is He who heals," (Quran) 

Ups and downs, are something that we all have to face in life. You will not appreciate strength if you  never feel weak. You will not value contentment if you never feel distressed. You will never appreciate togetherness until you are alone. You will not value life, until you are dead. 


Humans are the best of Allah's creation, Ahsani Taqwim. Why are we Ahsani Taqwim is that there is this concealed potential and strengths that we have in us but we never knew it's there. Until we face certain difficulties in life. It's similar to having a spring in front of us, we don't know the amount of potential energy stored in its stringiness until we put it to test. 


Weakness completes us. Failure makes you limp and cry and..stupefied. But it gives you this unexplainable strength to get up and make things right. "Bila jatuh, bangun balik," Mama used to say. 

"In every tear, there is where..He is there," (Sami Yusuf)

"When I am ill, it is He who cures me," (Quran)

"Dan janganlah kamu merasa lemah atau bersedih hati, sbb kamu paling tinggi darjatnya jika kamu org yg beriman," (Ali Imran:139)

Failures make us human. Humans are Ahsani Taqwim. To be an Ahsani Taqwim, you have to unleash and use up the potential and strengths stored in you. And this will not happen unless you are tested. Too many wrongs to be rectified, too many holes to be covered, too many bruises to be healed.  Hakikatnya, untuk menjadi sebaik-baik ciptaan Allah, manusia akan diuji. Ini hakikat. Hakikat yang pahit,tetapi sebenarnya menyembuhkan. It heals us. It makes us an Ahsani Taqwim. To be great there has to be a price. 

"Dan Kami pasti menguji kamu dgn sedikit ketakutan, kelaparan, kekurangan harta, jiwa dan buah-buahan. Dan sampaikanlah berita gembira kpd org yang sabar. Iaitu apabila ditimpa musibah mereka berkata 'Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun'" (Al-Baqarah: 155)

Why is it after we are being told by our Lord that we are going to be tested with difficult situations, He said that give away good news to the people of Sabirin? 


So what is the 'Ultimate Panacea'. That is for you to answer.


For me, patience is the 'Ultimate Panacea'. It heals, mends, cures. Kesabaran suatu pengubat yang tak akan kita dapat di mana2, kecuali dalam hati orang2 yg redha dan tawakkal sepenuhnya pada ketentuan dan ketetapanNya. Allahu Akbar. 

"With difficulties, there is ease," (al-Insyirah). 

Make believe that and you will be fine. Really.


Wallahu A'alam.