Stay Positive Baz

 It's normal to be scolded. It's OK. Although it's a stab to your pride, but it actually teaches you something. Better be scolded than you accidentally kill a patient..

So stay positive OK.. InsyaAllah things will get brighter.. 

Trust nobody

This is my first post as a medical officer. This blog will only gets a post whenever I have a significant event in my life that I need to pen out hahaha.

So I hurt a colleague's feelings. I said something which I should not have said to someone (A) about the colleague and that A had passed on what I said to that colleague. I got to know from another person that, that colleague is hurt by my words.

I felt bad. I confronted A and asked what did she said to that colleague. I explained that I did not mean to hurt anyone's feelings and I said sorry. And I asked A to clarify again with that colleague that I was not in context of hurting or criticising anyone.

I also texted the colleague and apologised. She said OK and she doesn't have any hard feelings.

The moral of the story:

1. Never trust anyone. You don't know who can be a backstabber

2. Don't bad talk. Just don't. It's also sinful

3. If you hurt someone just own up your mistake and say sorry and make amends.

4. Things you hear from your friend is unnecessarily true. They usually add some unnecessary spices so that you feel bad/make things worse than they are.

5. If you have done your part ie say sorry and try to make amends, move on from that guilt feeling already. Don't let the guilt ruin your day.

6. Pray to Allah that the person you hurt forgive you.

I also realised from this event how great the impact of an affected relationship to me as a person. I just feel so bad and I could not move on until the colleague responded to my apologies. I am not sure if this is the case with other ppl.

But anyhow I am greatful that things have resolved. Alhamdulillah.. 

Mistakes

Everytime I am working nights I will pray that I have a smooth night without any mistakes or pitfalls. I pray to Allah and I will ask my parents to pray for me as well.. Somethings are bound to happen because Allah has fated it to happen.. I made a drug error.. The drug I diluted is 3 times stronger than it should be through epidural.. And the med has been administered to patient and luckily enough it was detected in time.. They have delayed LL neuro recovery..

Alhamdulillah nothing serious happened to the patient but it can have serious complications like seizures..

I have to meet the anesthesia hod, who asked me for my explanation. I own up to my mistake.. I only read that its the right drug but I missed out the concentration.. Ya Allah.. I feel really bad and ashamed as well..

I am reflecting on what happened. I am reflecting on my thoughts about what I did. It was an honest mistake. I am a human with flaws. I made a mistake but Allah fated it to happen. It was meant to happen to me. This trial is premade for me, and I have to be redha with what happened. Nothing happen without a reason.. I may not see it now, but InsyaAllah sooner or later I will know..

I trust in Allah's plans. I am grateful for all the things He had given me..

Ya Allah, I am Your servant.. I trust in You and I pray thst You give me strength in going through this phase..

Bazliah you have to be strong OK.. You have to move forward and have tawakkal in Allah.. Your job is a high risk one.. You have to pray that Allah protects you from all pitfalls.. You have to believe that Allah will help you.. He sent you trials but He will never leave you to face it on your own.. HE LOVES YOU AND HE WANTS THE BEST OUT OF YOU.. SO DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF, BECAUSE ALLAH WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU!!!!!!

Paediatrics

(this was written during my Paeds rotation as a HO)  

Paeds is one of the toughest posting for me. The workload is crazy and never ending. It's stressful because anything that you do wrong involves a tiny being. And there's the parents who can be very demanding and rude.

Khalid started walking during my first week of tagging, which I felt really bad because I wasn't there. And the subsequent weeks after that, even after tagging period I still go back at 9pm and above. A couple of time I drive home crying because it is just too much on me.

I really hope to finish this posting as soon as I can and not to come back even to float as an MO.

Too much working time, less family time is not me. My boy is my priority.

But Allah is fair to me. Whenever I prayed and asked for less workload, He always made it easy for me.. That I am very thankful..

I am already 1 month plus in paeds, passed my nrp theory. Soon is assessment for nrp practical. Sigh..

Stay strong bazliah.

Of being a Mom

 

It is tricky being a working mom. Because its a balancing act. Juggle all together, the work, the baby, the chores, the me-time, etc. Sometimes it comes around, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes you feel good, sometimes you just feel like poop.

Guilt is my shadow. At being the mommy part. Well I AM a first time mommy, so you have to give me excuse for that. But the guilt war in my head just keep going on and on like a vicious cycle.

I'm not feeding him enough, not feeding him the right food, not enough quality time, should have bought him more toys/books, should have not let him watch too much tv/youtube videos, should not have left him at the babysitter to have me-time, etc etc!

And I am so glad to know most mommies out there do feel guilty. About just everything!!

And in the amidst of my overwhelming feelings, I came across this beautiful writing by Prof Madya Dr Sharifah Hayaati in her book 'Bidadari'.

Very simple theory that she pointed out: reliance on Allah. Tawakkal. We have to accept that we all have limited capabilities. Accept that things will not be perfect. And because of that, we need to put things in the hands of Allah. After giving our very best in every situation of course.

So in situation of guilt, put things in perspective and pray to Allah to give you the peace of mind.

She also pointed out the need to have a strong rapport with Allah swt. We want our children to be committed Muslims, with good characters. But how are we to achieve that, if we ourselves are not what we want them to be?

I am struggling with my spirituality. I am fighting an unseen battle with myself, my own nafs. I am not a perfect Muslim, but I used to be very committed. Doing dakwah and going against all odds for the sake of being a committed Muslim.

So now I am at square one, discovering myself again. I missed my old self, I really do. I missed having private moments with Allah and praying to Him and just talking to Him and feeling Him really close to me. I want to go back to my old self.

So going back to being a mom.. I hope I can be a good Muslim, so that I can be an example to my son. I want him to be a committed Muslim with good character. InsyaAllah.

So guilt please go away. Tawakkal please come in

Resuscitation

 

I used to be so good at blogging. But then I stopped writing. No more penning reflections. And I regretted it. Now I am missing it.

Almost two years I started working as a doctor. And everyday I never failed feeling like a robot. Emptiness is always there. I no longer know what am I going after in this life.

I am bored of the temporary highs. Stress at work just made me into this person (or should I say robot) who turns up to work, coming back, watch movies/eat out at fancy diners and then repeat.

I need purpose. I need guidance. I need something meaningful to fill up this void. I need resuscitation!

Revisiting this blog brings so much of emotions. Mixed feelings. Not all of them gives me a good feeling. Anyhow, the experiences in the past had shaped who I am today and I feel greatful for that. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah, for guiding me all the way. 

It is time to look forward and hope for the best. 

Aku Akhwat Bukan Malaikat

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat

Perlukan kata2 penguat utk terus tsabat

Aku tak selalu kuat 

Kdg langkahku tersekat

Byk lagi tggjwb tak terbuat

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat

Pnya jiwa dan perasaan yg tersirat

Kdg tak tertahan air mataku menghujan lebat

Aku rasa berat 

I feel like telling some people 'please stop that'

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat

Aku mahu katakan kepada kamu yg 

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat

Jangan anggap aku perfect

Lamanya aku di jalan dakwah tak bermakna aku lebih sempurna

Kerana

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat

Aku punya kelemahan

Aku punya hati dan emosi

Jangan anggap aku seperti tiada perasaan

Like telling me 'you should have known that'

It hurts me really bad

Kerana

Aku akhwat bukan malaikat.

Wahai diri

Kerana kau akhwat bukan malaikat

Allah tahu kau kuat 

Iman dan taqwa kau itu azimat

Jaga ketat2

Ujian2 yg Dia berikan, you have to accept that

Yes kau akhwat bukan malaikat

Sbb tu Allah ckp 'Laa yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha' - bear in mind that.